EarthPhantomTS wrote:Speaking of, I've now gotta know your side of that whole...situation.
I have a very bad obsession, to the point of it kind of controlling me most of the time. I basically find anything she does super interesting. I was hoping we could have found some kind of arrangement where I would be allowed to watch and comment on her videos, and that way hopefully return to "normal". Could not convince them on the idea though. I always saw myself as a fan, and avoided saying anything bad on her, but in turn I kind of ended up saying nothing at all most of the time.
The whole thing started from the maglx2 hub. I spend like 6 months on that, and the pressure and the contact we got during it was a bit too much on me. It was also around the time I joined the skypehaus for the first time, and learned the joy of directly talking to people. I kind of spend almost all day and night reading everything that happened there near the beginning. Goes to say it did not do too good on me. This was the first time I started looking information on her. I knew it was wrong at the time, but I lied to myself to keep going, and it kind of blew up when I finally made a breaktrough and told her about it. We were still friends at that point, and I did not fully understand how hurtful my actions were.
Speed up 9 months from that with ups and downs. I got pretty clingy and paranoid around the time. She was for the longest time the only person I had opened up to, and this combined with the obsession caused me to completely forget about my personal boundaries. I shared a ton about myself, and we still sent a ton of pms to each other. After maglx2 was over, I kind of did not know how to express my admiration anymore, and this was the time I made a lot of fanart and levels for 2.0 and her LPs. She also asked me for help for the title cards to the Momodora series for example, and I always felt very special when I was able to help. I kind of burned myself out multiple times while working on those things though.
Around last Autumn was the first time I finally contacted someone outside about this and started seeking therapy. She had tried to help me get better from it and find new friends, but introverted person that I was I really was not too good at it. I also started replying to every conversation she took part of which she got tired very quick. Near Christmas the obsession was so bad I had trouble thinking other things than her, and I really wanted to play gw2 with her, but she was not interested. I was eaten by paranoia and I guess existential crisis of not being able to live to my standards, and I was also trying to figure out how to live with the obsession. This all caused me to first leave discodehaus for 2 weeks, since I realized that I could not leave her alone otherwise, and stop responding to her messages. They thought that I needed more time though, and we set up a deal of me leaving that place for 6 more months. At that point she had already banned me from discord due to me sending too many messages to her there, and she not liking pms (I felt special being allowed to post there so giving it up was really hard). She had recommended me to talk to other people about my problems though and with that I had another contact with which to share my worries. Search for the therapy was progressing extremely slowly, but I was able to talk about the obsession more freely thanks having to tell about it to people. I still kept talking to rocky, who was admin at the time on discodehaus, and he was in charge of following how I progressed. In the end it did not end up well though. I talked a ton with him about my delusions and trying to make sense of it all, and I had no idea he had been forwarding that to her too. Or I guess I gave him a permission to do it as he saw important. In the end there was a mixup with the meaning of my words though, and rocky thought I had planned to confess Horikawa, which caused her to kick me out of her live. For longest time I did not see it as fair, and tried my best to rebuild the bridge that had burned. Thanks to my obsession I kept playing that she could still see my messages on discord, and I tried to send her money and so on when I was feeling depressed. Obsession gets worse the more lonely you get.
This point I got to medical help and finally told my parents about this. I got some help from them too, and we tried to limit my internet access and so on to help me deal with the anxiety. I also finally got some actual therapy, which in the end did not actually help that much, since in a way I did not want to get better from the obsession completely. Just good enough for me to be allowed back. I really did feel physically crazy due to the obsession having turned into addiction with the long time it had been active. I'm currently going to a clinic specifically made to cure addictions.
Anyway, at some point rocky had to leave due to rl things and after that I talked to Hoeloe who was a lot more strict on things. I tried to cut myself away from everything thanks to his advice, and left every single discord server I was on at one point, but could not really commit to it. Being able to even ask my internet to be cut required me to first subdue the obsession and then convince myself to actually move afterwards. Finally I just ended up in the same loop of just trying to cope and get what I could.
Every time she moved from chat to another I moved too. First from skypehaus, to codehaus to discodehaus to patreon discord. In patreon discord she had threatened to ban me multiple times, and finally made herself a mod so that she could do it super easily if I stepped over my boundaries. In a sense I was actually super happy that happened since for a while she could see my messages again, so if her plan was to discourage me then that kind of backfired. I basically just looked for the attention and some way to show how much I cared. Last Monday she finally had enough after I posted a message wondering what her next LP will be on the LP thread. Then I was kicked away from the community on the same day I finally got a place to work, which I was hoping would help me actually get better. Now I'm still planning to keep watching videos and following the happenings on the talkhaus, even though I cannot participate them anymore, since that is the only community I've been part of, and I'm unhealthily dependent on it.
Also during all this I did do a lot of really bad things under the guise of "what you don't know cannot hurt you", and I was very careful to try to keep those things secret due to that. I feel like I was too far gone to think of the consequences at that point, and it was mostly done due to my own narcissism and self pity. I still wanted to feel special. It goes without saying that having to leave talkhaus hit me very hard, but thankfully my new work is keeping me occupied and balancing me out, but on the other hand I've more or less stopped caring about things. I again like to state that anything I did was never done out of malice, and I don't support rape or anything like that. I also kept anything I found a secret and newer revealed it to anyone. I guess even looking for information still counts as doxxing though.
It kind of helps to write all of this out, and I'm up to answering questions. Trying to be open and honest was one of my big guidelines, and having to keep a secret like this for so long was not good for me either. I even thought about outing myself couple of times when I was feeling extra depressed.
Edit: I also promised to forget about her completely before Hoeloe banned me, and I'm still trying to go trough with that. I'm also hopeful that time heals most things eventually, and that you don't get to choose who watches your videos.
Edit2: the reason I posted to her one more time on tumblr was because I still wanted to say goodbye, and that I was still not angry at her. Also that was the last way I could contact her directly, as other ways had been blocked.